Moving beyond Grief and Loss

As professional counselors, we have seen many clients dealing with losses of all kinds — loss of loved ones through death and divorce, for instance. These experiences are difficult for everyone.

Kinds of Losses

There are many different kinds of loss that can produce grief. Some examples of significant losses are:

• Loss of a person through death
• Divorce
• Financial changes
• Death of a pet
• Graduation
• End of addictions
• Empty nest
• Loss of trust
• Job loss
• Loss of your good health when you are diagnosed with a disease
• Loss of a body part through accident or surgery
• Loss of an ability, such as blindness
• Loss of a friend who has moved
• Loss of everything familiar when you move away

According to John James and Russell Friedman in their book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, there are several pieces of misinformation about dealing with loss. These myths have been taught to us by our role models and acquaintances throughout our lives, but they don’t work and often worsen the grief. The six myths identified in the book are:

• Don’t feel bad
• Replace the loss
• Grieve alone
• Just give it time
• Be strong for others
• Keep busy

Recovering from Loss: Some Key Points

So what does help? Here are some ideas for helping you move through the grieving process.

• You are responsible for your own grief process. No one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you. It is hard work and you can manage the process with the help of others.
• The grief process has a purpose. It is to help you learn to accept the reality of the loss and to learn from the experience.
• Remind yourself that your grief will end. You will not feel like this forever. You will heal.
• Take care of your health. Grief is extremely stressful, and it requires energy to manage the stress.
• Be careful with food and drink. While it may be tempting to numb the pain with food and drink, this can lead to the additional problems of alcohol dependence and overweight. Also, numbing the pain means you are prolonging denial. This will make your grieving process longer.
• Talk about the person who is no longer in your life. People sometimes avoid talking about the loss as a denial mechanism. However, this prolongs denial and the grieving process.
• Put yourself first. In the days an d weeks following the loss of a loved one, there is often a flurry of activity with many visitors and phone calls. Added to the stress of your loss, this can be completely exhausting. People will understand if you don’t answer the phone for an afternoon or go to your room and close the door for a while. Don’t make any important decisions until your life feels more balanced. It can be tempting to make some important changes right after a major loss as an effort to feel more in control.
• Maintain a normal routine if you can. You have enough changes in your life right now. Try to get up in the morning, go to bed at night, and take your meals at the same times you usually do.
• Ask for help. You will need it. If you don’t want to be alone, or if you want someone to take you somewhere, it is okay to ask. People don’t expect you to be self-sufficient right now.
• Let people help you. People want to help because it gives them a way to express their feelings. Staying connected with people is especially important now, and accepting help is a way of staying connected.
• Keep a journal of your feelings and experiences during the grief process. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside. It also gives you something to remember and review in the future, which you will appreciate. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside.
• Avoid making extreme life changes after a major loss. Don’t make any important decisions until your life feels more balanced. It can be tempting to make some important changes right after a major loss as an effort to feel more in control. If you can, put off such changes and decisions until later.
• Don’t hurry your grief process. People sometimes want to put their feelings and memories behind them because they are painful. But grieving takes time, and there are no shortcuts.
• Remind yourself that although grief hurts, it will not harm you. Grief is painful, but you will survive and even grow from the experience.
• Expect to regress in your recovery process from time to time. This is normal. It may happen unexpectedly, but it probably won’t last long.
• Acknowledge the anniversary of your loss by taking the day off or doing something special. Have supportive people ready to be with you. It could be a difficult day and it is often better not to be alone.
• See a grief counselor or join a grief support group. Working through your grief with a caring professional who is trained and experienced in working with clients who have experienced loss can be an important step toward adapting to your loss.